A friend of mine recently upgraded her cell phone. Now, admittedly I have never seen this new phone, but the powers it has given her are immense and impressive. She’s omnipresent on AIM. Her email is always accessible, as is the internet, and thus, pretty much anything in the world. People tend to refer to this as a digital leash, as if it somehow holds you back or restrains you. In reality, this gives people powers previously unforeseen in humans. It’s a Godlike manipulation of the internet and communications.
It’s certainly a lot of responsibility. Most of the population can’t handle this power. People gridlock interstates and Starbucks lines as they text message. They annoy their co-workers with their breakroom phone use. A society of people incorrectly using their powers is dangerously close.
I pine after iPhone’s and the power they hold and will give me, yet I know I’m not ready yet.* My life’s biggest regret thus far is the lack of any superhuman powers or abilities. I’m fascinated by the NBA, as it’s top performers seem to have higher power level athletic abilities, moreso than any other sport. Football size can be gained, without steroids baseball is an everyman sport, Hockey is Canada. A phone with the internet would appear to be my best chance at anything resembling super powers. Steve Jobs has placed these abilities within my reach. Yet I know I’m not ready yet. I would abuse the power, endlessly browsing the tangled world wide web. A fly caught within it, not the Brown Recluse that rules with a graceful iron fist over his domain.
Perhaps I will be ready when I no longer care for Facebook or fantasy basketball. My uses will be stripped down and streamlined. I will return email with frightening precision. I will spin and weave the world wide web with a clarity and accuracy previously unforeseen. I will reach that God level of communication. One fine day.
As time goes on and technology advances, the human race will inch closer to the Godlike status so many of us secretly desire. Today, the internet on our phones and the ability to communicate with all beings. Tomorrow, the power to teleport? Invisibility? They sound absurd right now, but we have to assume they will come about. Eventually they will become commonplace, as will the power of current phones. Superpowers will fall back into the echelon of a properly and averagely functioning person. It’s a less-than-vicious cycle. The true superheroes are the ones that not only adopt available powers early on, but also complete the phrase and use them heroically. They will adapt to new powers. They will hope from lilly pad to lilly pad on the pond of earth, always staying one step ahead of the rabble they rouse.
I don’t want to be God, I don’t want to play God. I have no knowledge of whether or not a God exists. But when powers comparable to one surface, they must be used properly and thoughtfully.
It occurred to me today that there is nothing I that would like more than a television network that only shows cartoon series from my youth. I’m talking about the old animated TMNT show, the Smurfs, Tale Spin, Darkwing Duck, Gargoyles, that Aladdin series, DuckTales, Goof Troop, Captain Planet, and Doug, among others. It would be called Cartoon Network Classic or something, like an ESPN Classic for cartoons instead of sports.* I’m not talking about the Toon Disney channel, or the Nick Toons channel. Those are ok, but the show newer shows too and don’t focus on the old enough. I want a channel that shows only cartoons made before 1995. I spent all morning daydreaming about how excellent this would be and how many countless hours I would spend watching it and how many more countless hours I would spend writing comprehensive essays about random episodes. It sounded pretty fucking great. In fact, at the time, I couldn’t think of anything better.
The fact that a Cartoon Network Classic channel would be one of my three wishes if I were Aladdin pointed to one conclusion, that being that nostalgia is my absolute favorite sentiment. Now, this makes perfect sense to me when I think about it, as my walls here are decorated with old Rolling Stone covers, TMNT action figures (still in their box I might add), and a variety of other really cool shit from while I was growing up. I realize that this is partly because I grew up in this room, but also partly because I am just too darn nostalgic. It’s why I have a Mac SE (loaded with System 6 and Glider) set up on my desk next to my laptop. It’s why I keep all my old toys, not up in the attic, but in boxes in my closet so I can set up a Lego set or the Turtle van when I feel like it.
Before you go labeling me as completely juvenile, keep in mind I am on track to graduate college on time, I do have a variety of more “adult” hobbies (photography, exercising most days, um…blogging), as well I have dated a girl or two in my day. But there is just something about nostalgia I absolutely love. It’s easy to look at this as a refusal by me to grow up, but I don’t think it is. Admittedly, there are other things I do to avoid growing up, but being nostalgic isn’t one of them. In a way, it almost distances me further from my childhood days. I know they are gone, and for the most part, so are the things I thought were amazing. But I think that thinking about them and remembering them are acknowledging that in a way. I know that no new Darkwing Duck episodes will be written, I know that Apple is never going to bring back the MultiFinder, hell I even have to face the fact that the Harry Potter books have run their course.
I know my favorite cartoons are gone, and I know those days are gone. But what is wrong with remembering them fondly? I’m going to go ahead and say: nothing.
Through some seriously sinister means I managed to get my filthy hands on a new iPod nano. Alright, so my means aren’t sinister (nor are my hands filthy, reportedly they are quite soft), but I could not resist an alliteration. As much as I try and avoid being consumeristic or materialistic, I love this new iPod. Maybe it’s the fact that I have been somewhat masochistically soldiering on for the last three years with an iPod without a screen. My first generation shuffle (or Sex Machine, as I had inexplicably named it in iTunes) had wonderful battery life and was good for running, but was more annoying than Oliver in the OC was when it came to listening to podcasts or audio books. I really did enjoy Sex Machine though, despite some semi serious abuse, and lots of sweat, it survived while I watched more expensive iPod after more expensive iPod die at the hands of my friends and acquaintances.
I had been planning on upgrading for a little while now, but nothing really had fit the bill so far. My music library was too huge to fit on iPods, until the brand new 160gb classic ones were released, but I wanted to avoid a spinning hard drive. I want flash so I don’t go breaking it when I run. The iPod Touch is obviously really cool, but it would be a redundancy if, and when, I get an iPhone (because come on, let’s just face the fact that sooner or later every single person in the world will have an iPhone). As soon as I saw one of the new iPod Nano’s in person, I knew it would be mine. Much like the first time I saw Rachel McAdams, only less creepy and more successful. The thing is very small, as evidenced by the following picture: (Disclaimer: I have ridiculously huge hands, possibly distorting how small the iPod is. Seriously, my hands are way too big, I would certainly be playing in the NBA if it weren’t for my 7 inch vertical leap.) (Note: My phone takes surprisingly decent pictures.)
Anyway, I really like my new iPod. Watching video on it is surprisingly easy on the eyes and looks rather nice. It could be some kind of placebo effect, but I’d swear the sound quality is better than it was on Sex Machine. And I don’t know when iPods started coming with games, but somebody should have told me. The Vortex game has already laid claim to a good hour and a half of my day today. This speaks mostly to how addictive the game is, but also to how I am a worthless piece of shit.
My only complaint so far is how I gingerly carry this thing around, scared of getting the slightest scratch or fingerprint on it. I feel like the science teacher in that one Lost episode carrying the unstable dynamite. I know I will eventually going to scratch my iPod. Just like unstable dynamite blowing up in the arms of a negligible character in a television drama, it’s inevitably going to happen. I’m just going to be overly careful until it does. I suppose another complaint is when my gorilla-esque hands slip off the scroll wheel and I lose a life while playing Vortex. Also, apparently I care too much about video games.
That’s all well and good that I like my new iPod. I’m sure collectively all the people that care is around .3 of a person. The real issue at stake here is what do I name my new iPod. It’s currently called Champion, after my less than ubiquitous middle name. It’s a good name to be my middle name, but I need a better name for my iPod. Any thoughts?
Happy Birthday iPod! Six years ago today, the iPod was born. Looking back at the original is kind of funny. It’s huge, clunky, grayscale, and held “only” 1,000 songs (5 GB), it was also $499. I remember really wanting one, but thinking it was way too expensive, and wasn’t quite sure if all my music would end up on MP3’s yet. Greg Peterson had one, and I won’t lie, I was jealous. It’s kind of amazing how far they have come. 160 GB for the Classic, a whole hell of a lot more features for the Touch, and extreme tininess for the Shuffle and Nano.
All the things that made the iPod great though, are still there. It’s all about ease of use. The interface, and compatibility with iTunes specifically. Although remember how early iPods on Windows came with MusicMatch Jukebox before iTunes came out for PC’s?
Let’s take a trip down nostalgia lane, look how huge this thing was:
That’s from an eBay auction where that 6 year old iPod sold for more than a brand new current Microsoft Zune, which I found quite funny. Personally, I don’t think the iPod will ever be threatened by another music player, if for no other reason than it has such a huge lead. Apple is innovative, it will keep up with other player’s features at the very least, which will allow it to keep it’s stranglehold on the market.
Further down nostalgia lane, we have Steve Jobs introducing the original iPod.
He was all about the 20 minute skip protection. “That’s not 20 seconds, 20 minutes.” Remember skip protection on a Discman? I think my first one had 10 second skip protection. I always forget about skipping on those, but if nothing else, MP3 players are worth their price for not having to worry about skipping alone.Steve hasn’t changed much over 6 years, but the iPod sure has.
Does anybody remember that movie from 1999 about the early days of Apple Computer and Microsoft? Pirates of the Silicon Valley? I remembered watching it when it first aired, as those were during my Apple evangelist days. I doubt the average person saw it, but let me tell you it is awesome. I managed to get a hold of a copy of it and watched it last night and boy is it glorious. First of all, such a good story, what other computer companies could you make a movie about? Probably not most of them. It’s so ridiculous too, it will be going along normally and then all of a sudden they have Steve Jobs doing something totally ridiculous just to remind us how “insanely great” he is and to point out what a mad genius he is. Like the random dropping acid scene, or when the Macintosh team and the Apple ][ team are throwing stuff at each other and Steve is just sitting right by cackling and taking it all in like some kind of crazy ringleader. A few thoughts…
1. This quote blows my mind how ridiculous it is.
Woz: Steve, I’m not having fun anymore.
Steve: Maybe fun is just fragments of existence in better packaging.
WHAT??? What in the world is this? We get it, Steve Jobs is a weird guy, but this just reeks of trying to make him seem as weird as possible. I’m pretty sure nobody in history has every said “Maybe fun is just fragments of existence in better packaging”. Nobody thinks or talks like that, nobody! Somehow this fits into the movie though and makes it all that much more silly and ridiculous and yet better.
2. That dialogue takes place during the aforementioned scene where the Macintosh team and the Apple ][ team are all drunk and throwing things at each other. I think they are at a bar, but I can’t be sure. First of all what are they throwing and where are they getting it all? They are just throwing copious amount of some mystery item at each other. It could be bar nuts but there is way too much of it. How does a big fight like this even begin? How were they all perfectly divided on either side of the bar, mac team on one side apple ][ on the other. I really enjoy the stuff that they are yelling at each other too “MACINTOSH RULES” “THE APPLE ][ IS SO MUCH BETTER!”. Please, stop these hurtful words. Steve is just so creepy in this scene too, he’s just sitting there taking it all in and giggling to himself. We get it, he is some sort of mad genius.
3. How about that random scene with Woz running around on the Mac desktop pulling down menus and clicking on stuff? How is that necessary? At one point he is talking about something being all fun and games and opens the games folder…clever. This is what I’m talking about in this movie, there are such random scenes that are so unnecessary yet somehow fit into the ridiculousness of the movie and make it better. Plus I never get tired of that original Apple beep sound. I sometimes turn on my old SE just to hear it.
4. Another scene like the one I just mentioned. When the Microsoft guys are meeting with IBM everything freezes and the third random Microsoft guy (I can’t remember his name, the guy that is not Paul Allen and is not Bill Gates), grows and comes out of a picture frame that is holding a picture of the scene and tells us how important the scene we are viewing is. This is so weird, I’m pretty sure the editor just figured out how he could do this so he added it in, yet once again it works. I love this movie. What is that third Microsoft guy’s name anyway?
5. I love how every computer guy who doesn’t work for either Microsoft or Apple is approximately 93 years old with a permanent condescending look on their face. They are also all completely and hopelessly out of touch. Ok, make a couple guys like this, but they make EVERY guy like this, it’s too good! Again, we get it! The Microsoft and Apple guys are visionaries and changed the world, everybody else was so out of touch. These filmmakers are all about hammering things home and then hammering them a whole lot more just for good measure yet I LOVE IT!
6. How high does that scene where Steve comes in and yells at his programmers late at night rank on the unintentional comedy scale? I say high. There is that creepy alienish music playing and the greenish lights when he comes in. For a second I thought I was watching X-files. That really creates some weird mood. Then Steve yells at some people and its obvious he has done it before because his programmers say so (keep on hammering a point home). Then the one programmer flips out and its awesome. His boss is berating his progress and this guy flips out like his boss just beheaded his best friend or something. This guy goes nuts and pins steve against the wall and suddenly it becomes clear to Steve and Steve hardly even reacts. Poetic. Not to mention, hilarious.
7. As I mentioned earlier there is that scene where Steve wants to take some acid. So first of all he is peer pressuring all of his friends and I swear I was back in fifth grade watching those videos that showed us how to say no to drugs (side note). Steve keeps saying take some of this glorious acid and his friends are like no Steve, no. Note: he actually says glorious acid. So Steve is all angry and tells everybody how lame they are (which he does a lot in this movie (we get it, he is a mad genius and wants everything to be how he sees it)) but he takes the acid by himself anyway. Now, granted, I’ve never dropped acid but I imagine if I did this is EXACTLY how it would be…suddenly the colors get all crazy and tie-die-ish and, wow, Steve is standing alone in a field and then he says he is standing alone in a field. Next thing you know he is talking about all the classical music he hears and how he is conducting classical music while the crazy colors keep on coming. I’m pretty sure this is the most cliche acid trip ever thought up. Yet it is unintentionally hilarious and somehow again adds to this movie.
8. Casting Noah Wyle as Steve Jobs was perfect. I’ve racked my brain and I couldn’t think of another actor I would rather see in this role. Keanu Reeves would have been pretty good too, but I still think Noah Wyle is better. He plays it well too, albiet kind of over the top. But that fits with this whole theme, right?
9. Bill Gates was so evil in this movie! Starting from the beginning when he is being all smug up on the huge screen about how he just bought part of Apple, he is just pure evil. Everything he does throughout the whole movie is so snarky and evil. He tricks everybody about something and then when they realize they got tricked, he tricks them into thinking he never tricked them. Its amazing how evil he is, he could not be any more evil or sneaky. Everybody does everything he wants exactly how he wants it done, he’s so sneaky. According to this movie Microsoft was founded and succeeded solely on Bill Gates’ ability to be sneaky and trick people into doing stuff. How awesome is that? How about that scene where he is driving in the Porsche and singing some creepy song and looking like Satan himself? Its amazing how evil he comes off, simply amazing.
10. Paul Allen does absolutely nothing the whole time. Nothing. Also, as hard as I tried I couldn’t find any clues that he would eventually buy the Blazers.
Please watch this movie, it’s so bad, and yet so awesome.
