December 26th, 2007 John
We’ve got some breaking news here. Addicted to Words has learned about an absolutely shocking story. I’m pretty positive I am the first to break this story to the world. Really, really harrowing stuff.
Osama Bin Laden Loses Belief in Santa Claus
By John Vieira
Doha, Qatar - Al Qaeda leader, and the man behind the 9/11 attacks, Osama Bin Laden released his longest and most angry tape yet via the Al Jazeera network earlier today. An obviously intoxicated Bin Laden went on a 20 minute tirade about how, after not receiving the yellow cake uranium he asked for this year, he has lost all belief in Santa Claus. Bin Laden went on to say that after this new discovery, he feels like he has lost his child-like innocence.
Claus did not return any phone calls to the Addicted to Words Anti-Terrorism News Team: Holiday Mascot Dispute Division, but experts say that this new Bin Laden tape absolutely does not prove that Claus is a fictional character. “Osama did not take into account that maybe Santa felt he had been naughty this year. Nor did he consider that remote caves in the outskirts of Afghanistan do not have chimneys and are difficult to access when guarded so heavily,” said Henry Case, who has a doctorate in both Santa Claus and terrorism.
-John
john@addictedtowords.com
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December 7th, 2007 John
The Addicted to Words News Team: Greek Life Division once again breaks a huge story. Look for an extended version on 60 Minutes tomorrow.
Area Sorority Member Exaggerates Intoxication
By John Vieira
Orange, CA - A Chapman University sorority member, whose name was withheld, reportedly pretended to be much more intoxicated than she actually was Friday night at her own sorority’s Luau to Fight Sickle Cell Cancer event. Witness’ reported that she had no more than 2 alcoholic Hawaiian Punch drinks, yet her level of giggling and stumbling was more consistent to someone who had drank 7 or more alcoholic Hawaiian Punch drinks. As well, her dancing was far too conservative for her to be truly intoxicated, there was almost no instances of bumping, grinding, getting nasty, or making it clap. Authorities are investigating. If convicted, said sorority member could face serious charges, including possible loss of dogs-that-fit-in-a-hand-bag privileges. It was unclear what sorority the suspect belonged to, a source described it only as “not the slutty one.”
-John
john@addictedtowords.com
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October 16th, 2007 John
I’m sure all of you saw the story this last week about the lady who was found guilty of downloading and sharing 24 songs and will be forced to pay the RIAA $222,000. Lots of people are upset, claiming the fine is way too severe for the crime she committed. Well I, being the crack reporter you have come to know me as, did a little digging and found out that the RIAA changed it’s mind and is now taking a different route here. As usual, Addicted to Words is the first to report this story:
RIAA Drops Fine For Illegal Downloader
By John Vieira
Duluth, Minnesota - Just days after a jury had found Minnesota woman, Jammie Thomas, liable for $222,000 due to illegally downloading and sharing 24 songs, the RIAA has dropped all charges. The RIAA reportedly feels terrible after finding out that all 24 songs in question were by the Canadian alt-rockers Nickelback. “We have decided that listening to Nickelback is in itself, punishment enough. No amount of money could compensate us as much as that fact alone has,” said RIAA attorney Richard Gabriel. Gabriel went on to say that while the RIAA will seek no further monetary penalties, they will call up Thomas daily to taunt her about her music choices. The RIAA also plans to ridicule Thomas’ two children to no end about their mother’s love for shitty music.
Just goes to show you, illegal downloading will really get you in trouble.
-John
john@addictedtowords.com
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October 7th, 2007 John
Some shocking news coming out of Fontainebleau today.
Area Student Suffers Brain Injury, Will Miss Studying Time
By John Vieira
Orange, CA - After suffering a brain injury while studying Sunday, Chapman University student John Vieira will be unable to study for the rest of the day, and possibly the week. Doctors have cleared him for video game playing and movie watching, but encourage Vieira to avoid studying and general critical thinking. Studying ability for Vieira is listed as day-to-day, but sources say he will be out for at least a week. Vieira expressed disappointment in the injury saying “This comes at a tough time for me, I have midterms this week and was really looking forward to a hard week of studying.” In an effort to be back in action as soon as possible, Vieira began rehab immediately by watching the Lord of the Rings: Return of the King, Extended Edition DVD, the runtime of which is four hours and 11 minutes.
-John
john@addictedtowords.com
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September 30th, 2007 John
My reporting skills once again come in handy…
Area Student Prefers Single Sided Tape
By John Vieira
Orange, CA - Chapman University student John Vieira finds single sided tape far superior to double sided tape, despite the fact that it has half of the adhesive. Vieira reportedly found double sided tape to be both overkill and redundant. “When I am taping something, I just don’t need adhesive on both sides of my tape. It’s far too unwieldy and it gets my fingers sticky,” Vieira said. Vieira pointed to the loop method for an alternative to double sided tape when one needs to have adhesive on both sides. Scott Byrer, roommate of Vieira, confirmed that there was indeed no double sided tape in their apartment saying that Vieira had instated a ban on it.
-John
john@addictedtowords.com
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September 27th, 2007 John
I did some serious digging, and I found quite the blockbuster story. AddictedToWords.com continues to be your first and foremost news source. I’m about to send this off to the AP feeds, thought I’d let you guys in on it first.
Mitt Romney, Oven Mitt connection found.
By John Vieira
Boston, Massachusetts - Presidential hopeful Mitt Romney’s campaign took a serious hit today when it was discovered that he is related to the Arby’s mascot, Oven Mitt. Romney and Oven were discovered to be cousins, reportedly estranged over Romney’s involvement in the 2002 Salt Lake City Olympic Games Organizing Committee. Some of Oven’s beliefs are in direct conflict with Romney’s, seriously bringing into question the integrity of Romney’s campaign. Romney is pro-life, anti-gay marriage, and is also in favor of the Iraq War, wherein Oven is pro-roast beef sandwich, pro-Jamocha milkshakes, and is in favor of protecting people’s hands from hot dishes.
Romney released an official press release: “While I am indeed related to the Arby’s mascot Oven Mitt, I am not in communication with him and am in no way affiliated with either Oven Mitt, or Arby’s and their relentless Market Fresh propaganda.”
-John
john@addictedtowords.com
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September 27th, 2007 John
My previous post got me thinking, and I remembered this gem. I wrote this last year for my entertainment reporting class. I can’t believe Ghost Rider was the #1 movie in America. It hurts to watch. Also, I can’t believe I left Ghost Rider out the lame superhero paragraph. He belonged right there with Aquaman, he was terrible!
Ghost Rider #1 during record breaking President’s weekend.
By John Vieira, Chapman News
Possibly inspired by a patriotic love for Thomas Jefferson and George Washington, the masses flocked to spend their money at the multiplex this President’s weekend. The Nicholas Cage movie Ghost Rider was the top movie at the box office this weekend as it opened at 45.5 million dollars and helped propel the most successful President’s day weekend at the box office ever. Cage expressed joy in finally being able to portray a superhero, even if it ended up being the worst super hero to date, except for possibly the Punisher.
Ghost Rider’s power is that his head turns into a skull made out of fire and can drive really fast on a motorcycle. The Chapman News Comic Book Adaptation Team did some further digging and found out that while the average viewer enjoyed Ghost Rider, they said that his super power would have been cooler if the fiery skull had swords for teeth and possibly poison for blood.
Marvel comics fired back at fans saying “swords for teeth was something we looked into but to make them that small they would be more like knives and poison for blood is just not believable as it would be too hardcore and probably kill Ghost Rider when he was in human form. Grow up and start being logical.”
Another controversy was Ghost Rider’s choice of vehicle. Mothers Against Drunk Driving are worried that the motorcycle is not a viable safe vehicle, since Ghost Rider is usually drunk with rage when he rides it.
After hitting the streets, the Chapman News Comic Book Adaptation Team: Vehicle Department proposed some alternatives, saying that Ghost Rider could drive either an Acura RDX, a Hyundai Entourage, a tank, an armored bank car, a battleship or an Aston Martin that turns into a submarine. All of those vehicles are on 2007’s list of the safest cars, published by consumer reports. Marvel Comics argued that Ghost Rider needs to ride a motorcycle as his flaming head would catch an enclosed vehicle’s roof on fire and again pointed to the believability issue, saying that a fireproof roof is simply not feasible.
Ghost Rider just barely edged out the number two movie Norbit, which stars Eddie Murphy having sex with himself.
-John
john@addictedtowords.com
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September 23rd, 2007 John
Once again, our apartment proves to be a hotbed for news. Addicted to Words is the first to break this story, but the Los Angeles Times will be running a feature on it tomorrow.
Area Student Abuses Walk-In Closet
By John Vieira
Orange, CA - Chapman University student John Vieira has reportedly been abusing his walk-in closet. Rather than folding and putting away his clean clothes after he washes them, he puts them in a big pile in his closet where they remain until he wears them. Unconfirmed reports say Vieira has been doing this for as many 4 weeks. “A walk-in closet is a huge responsibility, and to be honest [Vieira] is abusing the privilege of being able to walk into his closet and see a 360 degree panorama of all of his clothes neatly hung and folded,” commented Scott Byrer, roommate of Vieira.
Vieira will face disciplinary action and possible fines from the Fontainebleau Apartment complex where he lives. “We take this violation very seriously and will act swiftly and severely to make sure [Vieira] does not repeat this offense,” said Roger Westbrook, owner of Fontainebleau, in an official press release.
Vieira declined comment.
-John
john@addictedtowords.com
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September 8th, 2007 John
Area Student Stays Home On Saturday Night
Orange, CA - Despite being extremely awesome, Chapman University student John Vieira sat around all night Saturday night without leaving his couch once. Vieira estimated that he checked the social networking website Facebook 13 times. He also made sure to vary his television watching so as not to get bored. In the span of one hour, Vieira watched a show about how the Bermuda Triangle is like a black hole on Earth that alluded to the Panspermia theory, and also That’s So Raven.
Reasons for Vieira’s lack of a social life Saturday night were mostly unknown but unconfirmed reports have linked it to him feeling sorry for himself because he does not have a girlfriend. Apparently Vieira does not understand that he is never going to meet girls if he stays home on a Saturday night.
Vieira was unreachable for comment.
-John
john@addictedtowords.com
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August 26th, 2007 John
Orange, CA - Student is way too obsessed with Craigslist.
Scott Byrer, a Chapman University student, and resident of the Fontainebleau apartments is way too obsessed with Craigslist. After getting a coffee table and an entertainment center for free from Craigslist, Byrer has been repeatedly telling everybody about it. “He told me twice in 10 minutes that even though it cost no money, his new entertainment center was ‘Money’” said his girlfriend Jacklyn Brown. Byrer defended his pro-Craiglist stance saying “Dude, make sure you check out the free section, there are some serious dealios on there.” Byrer also added that he bought three office chairs for a dollar each.
-John
john@addictedtowords.com
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