Pirates of Silicon Valley. Steve Jobs, we never knew ye!

Does anybody remember that movie from 1999 about the early days of Apple Computer and Microsoft? Pirates of the Silicon Valley? I remembered watching it when it first aired, as those were during my Apple evangelist days. I doubt the average person saw it, but let me tell you it is awesome. I managed to get a hold of a copy of it and watched it last night and boy is it glorious. First of all, such a good story, what other computer companies could you make a movie about? Probably not most of them. It’s so ridiculous too, it will be going along normally and then all of a sudden they have Steve Jobs doing something totally ridiculous just to remind us how “insanely great” he is and to point out what a mad genius he is. Like the random dropping acid scene, or when the Macintosh team and the Apple ][ team are throwing stuff at each other and Steve is just sitting right by cackling and taking it all in like some kind of crazy ringleader. A few thoughts…

1. This quote blows my mind how ridiculous it is.
Woz: Steve, I’m not having fun anymore.
Steve: Maybe fun is just fragments of existence in better packaging.

WHAT??? What in the world is this? We get it, Steve Jobs is a weird guy, but this just reeks of trying to make him seem as weird as possible. I’m pretty sure nobody in history has every said “Maybe fun is just fragments of existence in better packaging”. Nobody thinks or talks like that, nobody! Somehow this fits into the movie though and makes it all that much more silly and ridiculous and yet better.

2. That dialogue takes place during the aforementioned scene where the Macintosh team and the Apple ][ team are all drunk and throwing things at each other. I think they are at a bar, but I can’t be sure. First of all what are they throwing and where are they getting it all? They are just throwing copious amount of some mystery item at each other. It could be bar nuts but there is way too much of it. How does a big fight like this even begin? How were they all perfectly divided on either side of the bar, mac team on one side apple ][ on the other. I really enjoy the stuff that they are yelling at each other too “MACINTOSH RULES” “THE APPLE ][ IS SO MUCH BETTER!”. Please, stop these hurtful words. Steve is just so creepy in this scene too, he’s just sitting there taking it all in and giggling to himself. We get it, he is some sort of mad genius.

3. How about that random scene with Woz running around on the Mac desktop pulling down menus and clicking on stuff? How is that necessary? At one point he is talking about something being all fun and games and opens the games folder…clever. This is what I’m talking about in this movie, there are such random scenes that are so unnecessary yet somehow fit into the ridiculousness of the movie and make it better. Plus I never get tired of that original Apple beep sound. I sometimes turn on my old SE just to hear it.

4. Another scene like the one I just mentioned. When the Microsoft guys are meeting with IBM everything freezes and the third random Microsoft guy (I can’t remember his name, the guy that is not Paul Allen and is not Bill Gates), grows and comes out of a picture frame that is holding a picture of the scene and tells us how important the scene we are viewing is. This is so weird, I’m pretty sure the editor just figured out how he could do this so he added it in, yet once again it works. I love this movie. What is that third Microsoft guy’s name anyway?

5. I love how every computer guy who doesn’t work for either Microsoft or Apple is approximately 93 years old with a permanent condescending look on their face. They are also all completely and hopelessly out of touch. Ok, make a couple guys like this, but they make EVERY guy like this, it’s too good! Again, we get it! The Microsoft and Apple guys are visionaries and changed the world, everybody else was so out of touch. These filmmakers are all about hammering things home and then hammering them a whole lot more just for good measure yet I LOVE IT!

6. How high does that scene where Steve comes in and yells at his programmers late at night rank on the unintentional comedy scale? I say high. There is that creepy alienish music playing and the greenish lights when he comes in. For a second I thought I was watching X-files. That really creates some weird mood. Then Steve yells at some people and its obvious he has done it before because his programmers say so (keep on hammering a point home). Then the one programmer flips out and its awesome. His boss is berating his progress and this guy flips out like his boss just beheaded his best friend or something. This guy goes nuts and pins steve against the wall and suddenly it becomes clear to Steve and Steve hardly even reacts. Poetic. Not to mention, hilarious.

7. As I mentioned earlier there is that scene where Steve wants to take some acid. So first of all he is peer pressuring all of his friends and I swear I was back in fifth grade watching those videos that showed us how to say no to drugs (side note). Steve keeps saying take some of this glorious acid and his friends are like no Steve, no. Note: he actually says glorious acid. So Steve is all angry and tells everybody how lame they are (which he does a lot in this movie (we get it, he is a mad genius and wants everything to be how he sees it)) but he takes the acid by himself anyway. Now, granted, I’ve never dropped acid but I imagine if I did this is EXACTLY how it would be…suddenly the colors get all crazy and tie-die-ish and, wow, Steve is standing alone in a field and then he says he is standing alone in a field. Next thing you know he is talking about all the classical music he hears and how he is conducting classical music while the crazy colors keep on coming. I’m pretty sure this is the most cliche acid trip ever thought up. Yet it is unintentionally hilarious and somehow again adds to this movie.

8. Casting Noah Wyle as Steve Jobs was perfect. I’ve racked my brain and I couldn’t think of another actor I would rather see in this role. Keanu Reeves would have been pretty good too, but I still think Noah Wyle is better. He plays it well too, albiet kind of over the top. But that fits with this whole theme, right?

9. Bill Gates was so evil in this movie! Starting from the beginning when he is being all smug up on the huge screen about how he just bought part of Apple, he is just pure evil. Everything he does throughout the whole movie is so snarky and evil. He tricks everybody about something and then when they realize they got tricked, he tricks them into thinking he never tricked them. Its amazing how evil he is, he could not be any more evil or sneaky. Everybody does everything he wants exactly how he wants it done, he’s so sneaky. According to this movie Microsoft was founded and succeeded solely on Bill Gates’ ability to be sneaky and trick people into doing stuff. How awesome is that? How about that scene where he is driving in the Porsche and singing some creepy song and looking like Satan himself? Its amazing how evil he comes off, simply amazing.

10. Paul Allen does absolutely nothing the whole time. Nothing. Also, as hard as I tried I couldn’t find any clues that he would eventually buy the Blazers.

Please watch this movie, it’s so bad, and yet so awesome.

-John

john@addictedtowords.com

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